Commercial Logic Ltd
"It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about." Dale Carnegie 1888-1955
Recently I noticed what we practice in our thinking has a profound impact on our relationships.
Did you watch The Royal Wedding?
I did, and the more I watched it, the more I wanted to watch. It was the original fairy tale, the story of a beautiful woman from near obscurity marrying the handsome charming prince. I admit, I was so moved, it almost brought me to tears, several times.
It reminded me of watching Charles and Diana’s wedding all those years ago. There was all the magnificent pomp and ceremony at both weddings, yet, there was something very different at Will and Kate’s wedding. I was very curious what that was.
People have said it was how Will and Kate looked at each other, the connection between them.
This grabbed my attention. I always look out for how to improve connection. For me, having great connection means more effective communication and much better quality relationships in all areas of life, and consequently, a much better life!
Well I looked at videos of the weddings and compared them, and I discovered something very simple and amazing.
Charles and Diana, in their interview together, crucially, only look at each other when they speak to one another.
Will and Kate on the other hand, look at each other frequently. On many of those occasions, nothing is said, but an immense amount is communicated. One moves and the other responds. Kate looks up from her programme, Will looks at Kate, Kate notices his movement and looks back at him, Will’s eyes smile. Kate smiles.
They are communicating non-verbally nearly all the time and are so quick to respond. Almost instantaneous, there is no time to think. They are reacting to each other even before they are conscious of it.
Very rarely do we see such timing. Perhaps formula one racing drivers, fighter pilots or top tennis players have it. Yet all these people have had near lifetimes of intense training and practice. Then I discovered a quote from Buddha saying:
“All that I am is a result of all that I have thought”.
And a wonderful thought occurred to me.
Will and Kate have practiced and practiced being in relationship with each other, so much so, that it is now an unconscious instinct for each of them. All that they are now, is a result of all that they have thought. Wow!
So here is the possibility, our connection with others is not about where we are or what we do, it is about what we are thinking ALL of the time, even when we are not together. Just like training to be a racing driver, a fighter pilot or a leading tennis player, to achieve the deepest connection requires constant practice.
There is a great book written by Malcolm Gladwell called ‘Outliers’. In this, Gladwell describes many people who have achieved amazing mastery in their lives. Gladwell estimates that with 10,000 hours of focused practice, we can achieve whatever mastery we want to in our lives.
Charles and Diana had known each other for about one year before they married. Will and Kate had been in a relationship for about ten years before their wedding. Within those ten years, Will and Kate had the opportunity for many hours of practice in their relationship, many more than the 10,000 hours Gladwell prescribes for mastery.
So perhaps the amount of practice in thinking about the relationship is the real difference between the two royal weddings.
Will and Kate even gave us the gift of what they practice thinking by including their own prayer at the wedding service:
“God our Father, we thank you for our families; for the love that we share and for the joy of our marriage. In the busy-ness of each day, keep our eyes fixed on what is real and important in life and help us to be generous with our time, and love and energy. Strengthened by our union, help us to serve and comfort those who suffer. We ask this in the spirit of Jesus Christ.”
I learn here, that if I want a deeper connection in my relationships, practicing that connection in ALL of my thinking is the real key, and that focussed practice for at least 10000 hours will give me mastery over what to think.
As Buddha tells us, what we practice in our thinking, is who we are.